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6月9日 She Sells SanctuaryDoes she? Really? Where? And can I get some on Ebay?
It is exactly 9.04am. I have already been woken up four times.
Firstly by dogs barking. My neighbour's dogs, don't for one second think that it was my own, oh no, so siree, it was HIS dogs. His great big ugly mutations of canines, whose only reason for being is to visciously gnaw someone's limb off should they decide to go around with an Avon catalogue.
Secondly by the house phone ringing. It was 7.03am. Who rings a house phone at 7.03am? I don't know, I refused to get out of my bed to answer it. Nobody I know would call at this hour. Nobody I Know Would Call At This Hour.
Thirdly by my darling brother stomping his way through the house, dropping every item he owns, shouting about with Stepdaddy Dearest. Thanks. Love YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And FINALLY, wait for it, this one's really the killer in all of this, by my neighbour. Yes the one and the same whose dogs woke me up at 2am. I love these neighbours of ours, truly I do. I treasure them with my deeply homocidal tendencies.
So, lets set the scene, it's a peaceful sunny suburban morning, one hardworking A level student is trying to catch up on some well deserved sleep, it's approximately 8:53:34am. Suddenly, she is thrust from her slumber like a log into the fire by a hideous roaring noise. Guesses, anyone, guesses? A quad bike. A quad bike at 8:53:34am. A quad bike at 8:53:34am in Suburbia, next to her open window.
One word: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING A QUAD BIKE AROUND YOUR BACKGARDEN AT 8:53:34AM? 5月27日 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.From an early age, we're drilled with rules to ensure that our physical safety is taken care of. Make sure you wear a helmet when riding a bike; look both ways before you cross the road; always use a condom.
But how many of us pay attention to the regulations concerning emotional protection?
We're so engrossed with matters of a physical nature that we often neglect what might be going on elsewhere. It's not likely that a cold will go unnoticed, and most of us can write you a three thousand word essay on our personal well-being but when it comes to affairs of the heart, how many of us can give the correct clinical diagnosis?
Are we all just thumbling along blindly through high-risk emotional battlefields? Or do we just choose to ignore the sign posts?
When given the choice, how many of us know when to "get out"? 5月19日 Bullet Proof"Drove, drove? Who drove you home?"
I drove today. May not be such a big deal to most people. For those who drive everyday, for those who drive for a living, for those that have been having lessons for months.
For me it is a big deal.
It meant something, something scary. That kind of independent scary something that you spend your life striving to have, I had it, if only for an hour, it was mine. Granted, I probably couldn't have gotten very far, come a corner or roundabout, there'd be serious implications. But there, on the straight and narrow, I was quite contented plodding along in second gear.
Father, you're just like my father...
Today also served as an opportunity for me and The Mother to talk. We don't do that often, sure we communicate but we never ACTually talk. It was strange. I felt like a grown-up having one of those grown-up conversations that all of the psychology textbooks tell you are essential for something or other. We talked about my relationships; my brother, sister and their relationships; my inability to trust anyone; her inability to trust anyone; my intense fear of commitment and consequental string of unsuccessful relationships. I learnt a lot. I learned a lot about myself, and more importantly, about my mother. I came to terms with a lot of things about myself, and I kind of found some sort of peace in dealing with the role my Dad's played in it all. It's already happened, there's not much I can do about it now but accept it.
Seventeen without a purpose or direction
I'm growing up and it's as scary as hell.
I like coffee and curry, and today, I even ate chilli. All of the things that I spent my entire childhood despising with every inch of my being, refuting any claim that I'd "like it when you're older". I do, therefore I am old.
Next year I will be eighteen, I will be moving off to whichever university takes pity on me, and I'm going to have to survive on my own. - Something which I've always strived to do, always aimed to be independent, because that's the way she raised me. And I am; I'm as financially independent as I can be, as emotionally independent as anyone could be.
She told me that the only thing that she hopes for me in life is that I'm always independent, financially and emotionally. She told me that she's proud of my inability to trust people because at least I won't get burned. I've never felt closer to my mum in my whole life. 5月11日 No If's, And's or But's.When it comes to relationships, we're looking more and more for perfection in our partners.
In today's volatile dating market, should we liquidate our stocks as soon as they look like they might not perform as well as expected? Or are there certain things that we should try to negotiate?
When it comes to relationships, what are the deal-breakers?
How many of us can honestly say that we've never broken up with someone for some minor characteristic or another? I know I have.
Obviously, there are the major issues: Age, distance, linguistics. And then those not quite so drastic but ridiculously grating things like smoking or bad shoes.
I've even been known to break up with someone over their spelling before. I'm sorry, I know I'm going straight to dating-hell, but he was down-right illiterate!
Punctuation is another one, I don't care if you have a PhD in astrophysics, if you still insist on writing "Your so beautiful", you deserve to be struck by lightening, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.
The same principle applies for BO. In modern society, with the range of anti-perspirants available, there is no excuse for poor personal hygiene. Or bad breath.
And how about kissing? How many of us would be forced to break up with a partner that couldn't kiss? For many, a bad-kisser is a non-negotiable.
When did relationships become so dump-friendly?
5月4日 Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'Wish that I could:
Have tomorrow over with.
Be good at French.
Pass my exam.
Be bothered to turn up to my exam.
Have all my homework done.
Know biology.
Play this CD louder.
Have my room back, tidy and the way it should be.
Get off the damn internet already.
Lose half a stone
Go shopping and buy lots of shoes.
Talk to Tim.
Have my hair the way I want it without having to go to hairdressers'.
Have clear skin.
Get my old tablets back - Yes, government regulations, I am talking to you.
Have a wardrobe full of new clothes.
Feel inspired.
Go to the seaside.
Dance in the rain.
Read minds.
Not feel like a big fat paranoid ball of stress.
Yes, that would be good about now.
4月28日 It's so clear now that you are all that I have...Today was one of those few and far between chances for me to spend time with Tom. Tom has played a central part in the story of my life for a good few years now, and even when the storyline tends to deviate a little bit away from him, he's always there, loitering amongst the curtains.
He moaned about my lack of updating, so this is for him.
But saying that, this is for all of those people that do loiter amongst my curtains and dance in my shadows. For the ones that text me when I'm feeling down, the ones that invite me over to play scrabble, the ones that say "good luck, honey" before I fail my French exam. The ones that make a myspace group to appreciate me, or even those that join it. For those that talk about my life in terms of paint, and those that sing silly songs with me.
Yes, it's a lame and soppy one.
We're all tired but we're working, and it'll all be over soon... 4月21日 You can do anything you like because, Darling, it's your life.Do you ever feel like, with every passing minute, another door is closing?
Like time has descended into an endless spiral of missed opportunities and oopsie daisies?
As if you're sitting around doing not a right lot, and every minute of that not a right lot is stealing away one of your chances?
I just can't help myself, I really wish I could be somewhere else.
I seem to be living in my own little made-up world at the moment. You see, the thing is, my made-up world is easier, more fun, more my own way. I make all the decisions, consequence free of course, and life.is.perfect.
That's when a door slams.
I swing around to notice someone leaving, or a rejection letter lying on my doorstep. I pick up my phone and find four missed calls and four new SMS, but I don't bother to read the details.
If this is living, how come I never feel alive?
Life has evolved into a constant cycle of work, revision, electro music, and The Mighty Boosh. But, I suppose, why not? It can't last more than eight weeks, right? Everything works in eight week cycles.
It just seems like I'm working towards nothingness. 4月3日 Breaking hearts has never looked so coolAfter spending the entire lunchtime discussing "cheating" with a girl of the same age as me and a twenty nine year old male maths teacher, I came to the conclusion that it's complicated.
I have questions: What, to you, constitutes cheating? Holding hands, hugging, kissing, performing some sort of sexual act with someone other than your partner? Is the definition dependent on age? For example, is what we describe as cheating when we're thirteen the same as when we're twenty three? Is cheating like the proverbial tree in the forest? It doesn't exist if there's noone there to catch you? And what would you prefer, if your partner cheated on you, would you rather it be with someone of the same sex as you or the opposite? 3月27日 I'm an opportunity and I knock so softlyToday's lesson is about politics.
No, not the politics that you'll find in the House Of Commons, or Lords, for that matter, either.
Nobody really cares about those kinds of poltics. And the small minority that do probably shouldn't read my blog.
No, today's lesson is about the politics that we face everyday.
The politics of Year 9 social relations. The politics of chemistry coursework. The politics of a relationship.
Politics are all around us. In every wall, every crevace and every sentence. Not one utterance that you make passes without critical political analysis. "She Can't Say That, Can She? "
...She just did.
The fact is, we are obsessed by politics. Who's dating who, who's cheating on who - their age, sex and location, their gender, race and religion.
How many of us flinch when we hear the word "nigger"? It's not politically correct. How about "cripple"? Not exactly a pleasant term, really; cringeworthy to say the least.
Some of us are outraged by the misuse of an apostrophe. "Two weeks notice" blazened across bilboards saw a rise in the prescription of Beta-blockers amongst grammarians worldwide. Bad punctuation? Yes. Politics? Undeniably.
How about the office gossip? Or the playground fights? Politics have their price.
Sometimes the innate urge to be politically correct has its own reprocussions. Anyone remember the "winter lights" scenario? The fact remains, you can't please everybody. Sometimes the politically "incorrect" version is more correct than its counterpart.
Politics change so quickly these days that the majority of people couldn't tell you the politically correct term for a "dwarf" or the right way to refer to a person who is "half-caste". We can't keep up with ourselves.
3月21日 Nobody knows it, but you've got a secret...Don't you hate it when you can't tell someone something?
When you can't articulate what it is that you need to say?
And when you're scared what they, or you, might do if you do?
When you're not sure who you want to tell?
Or when you're afraid that the people that you used tell things too don't want to, or are unable to, listen anymore?
When you want to sit alone and just scream, but the most frightening thing you can think of is isolation?
And when life gets hard, time goes too fast and you can't reach the pause button?
Well, I do. I hate it very much.
And hate IS a strong word, but still doesn't even begin to cover it.
3月10日 I could be a supermodel or Norman Mailor and you wouldn't know the difference, would you?As the future dawns upon many of us with the agony that is exam results day, a large proportion are looking to make some of those major decisions that we've been avoiding for the past six months.
What am I going to do after sixth form? Get a job? Go to uni? Study what? What will I work as?Where? With whom? When? And How The Hell Am I Going To Pay For It?
But it's not just us trying to make this decision.
A vast majority of the adult population are also looking to join us in our mystification. In a day and age where work is no longer a necessity, more and more of us are looking for meaning in the jobs that we perform.
We're no longer content with the traditional sense of ambition, promotion, status and money, or even that work is just something we do to pay the bills. We want furfillment. And why shouldn't we? We're going to spend a relatively long time playing our chosen roles in our working lives.
Is it unrealistic - even spoilt - to want meaning, as well as a job and a salary?
Maybe. But luckily this "meaning" is different for everyone. For some, their main drives could be creativity or affiliation, or perhaps security or even autonomy. Maybe it's status that you seek, or material rewards. It could possibly be that you simply need to so something that is valuable for it's own sake; you may want a job that matches your values and contrbutes to something larger than yourself. It's an individual thing.
But if we think about it, if hypothetically all jobs payed the same wage, would we still want to be a lawyer, doctor or an airline pilot? Probably not.
For some the answer is yes, and that's great for those unbelievably lucky enough to be born with the innate knowledge of what they want to do for the next forty years. However, this leaves the rest of us in somewhat of a predicament.
Do we continue working towards a career that we know that we don't really want, just to live to the standards that we desire? Or do we change direction and choose a pathway that could leave us with less financial security, but minus that sense of disillusionment?
Whatever your immediate inclination, there's no doubt about the dubious nature of the problem.
2月24日 There's plenty of reasons she might not ring for you. I mean, maybe she's trapped in a cabinet?As that fantastic invention known as half term comes to a close, I'm faced with the shocking revelation that this means I'm Actually Going To Have To Go Back To School.
It's amazing, I've only had about 10 days off, and yet it feels a lot longer. The Days Go By Oh So Slow.
I've been busy constantly, but yet I've achieved little or nothing. Most days anyway. This can only mean one thing...I have a Himalayan pile of homework.
As I go to contemplate attempting to think about tackling that, I'll leave you with one important lesson:
You know that it's time to Get Off The Internet Already, when you actually find yourself buying badges on ebay.
comments are welcome 2月15日 The Papercut ChroniclesJust like the album, with around as much blood and violence, but minus a fit bassist.
I have a papercut.
It hurts.
I cut it on stickers for ugly shoes.
It bled AND EVERYTHING.
So Valentine's came and went with relatively little loss of blood, and now I'm on the edge of half term.
It's pending.
You know like when you send a message and it says message pending? What is that? Hurry up and get gone already! Same rules apply, only I really don't want half term to end. Ever. I have plans for it. Big ones. Involving sleep that won't happen and parties avec The Mighty Boosh, and other such festive activities that only occur in a holiday. I'm even going for Lunch With The Ladies.
This is because I am a grown up now.
Speaking of growing up. I've been thinking a lot lately about my future, and trying to attempt to consider tackling The Uni Decision. I've done good, I have. Not made a decision, don't be silly. But I have done preparatory work for making a decision. I'm not good at decisions, don't hassle me, ok? I'll get there....you know, eventually.
comments are welcome 2月10日 You know, she even cooks me pancakes, and alpha seltzer when my tummy aches; If that ain't love then I don't know what love is.Valentine's Day is just around the corner.
I know that you know that but I needed to tell you anyway. I am aware that most people will have either stopped reading after the first two words or will be currently willing plagues of locusts to attack my household. Please don't. I don't appreciate it.
Valentine's Day; the holiday with the second highest suicide rate of the year. No jokes.
We're all great big hypocrites of course. We hate Valentine's Day right up until we recieve a card, and then it is the bestest thing in the whole wide world EVER.
Of course this negativity has its advantages; I didn't get a card? I didn't want one anyway. Wham! Bounces straight off the Valentine's Day Rejection Shield. Score one to the losers.
Instead of getting all slushy, I decided to go through the facts. You can't dispute facts. Facts won't slap you in the face or forget your birthday. (3 weeks by the way).
Valentine's Day: The facts.
comments are welcome 2月8日 It's been a while since we talked last, and I'm trying not to talk fast.Honey, I'm home.
I have recently realised that I have been neglecting a very important area of my life. (Very important if you ignore all of the other more important things.) This means that something must be done: I must return to MSN Spaces.
Run and hide....now.
So...what's happened since my last visit? Well there's been some sort of major makeover on here, I'm sure that will have been chewed over repeatedly for months, so we won't discuss it.
I went to see Fall Out Boy. Yes I did. We stood right at the front and to the left a bit. We, that's Mel and Me, had the great honour of meeting the bassist from Gym Class Heroes. And yes, he is as gorgeous as he looks on stage. I could go into details, but I know that you don't wanna read all about my night. It was awesome though...
comments are welcome 1月21日 Three little words running through my brain: Is this love? Is this torture? Or am I insane?From being a little girl, I've always wanted that thing that I couldn't have. It didn't matter what it was, it was just on principal...most likely.
It's rumoured to be human nature, this little obsession of mine. Apparently it goes back to when Adam was a lad. Who Adam is and, in fact, his age I don't know, but still it remains that we want what we can't have.
For example, when you have a severe lack of funds you will undoubtedly find the perfect pair of shoes. It's undebatable. It's ironic...or is it?
Would you still want those same shoes if you could actually afford them? Let's be honest, you wouldn't, would you? Didn't think so.
So does this rule apply to everything?
Yes. It does.
People. Why is it that you always want the one person that you can't have? And why is it that the more you can't have them, the more attractive they become? What's more, how do you go about getting over, or under, said person?
Answer: You don't because you're not allowed. Either way.
You are, quite simply, stigmatized, until some confounding variable or other somewhere changes.
comments are welcome 1月16日 Can I just have one more moondance?What do you do when you find out that someone that you love has hours to live?
Do you go on msn? I did. I couldn't face talking to anyone, but I needed to let someone know why I probably wouldn't be at school, or may disappear suddenly tomorrow.
Do you text someone? I did, but the reply only made it worse.
Should you call a trusted friend? The only person that I could imagine being around was at his girlfriend's house. I'm sorry, I just cried on the phone to your father.
I'm now stuck for something to do.
I can't watch TV because I don't like it at the best of times. I can't read a book because that would forever taint the story. I can't do my chemistry homework because I can't even see straight, let alone concentrate. I can't go to them because they're unconscious and it would only make it worse.
1月9日 And maybe he won't find out what I know - You were the last good thing about this part of town.As many of you know, and can probably relate to, this morning marks the start of a few roadblocks, perhaps even crises. Yes, welcome to exam week.
Unlike with every other set of exams, I think I've pretty much given up already. Somewhere between the ridiculous amounts of information I have to know, and the seemingly drawn out time in which I've had to get to know it, I just sort of let go really.
I haven't even been motivated enough to make a blue tack army. - That's when you know that something's got to change.
I want to apologise for being irritable and mardy and, well, a bitch in general, really, recently. Most of you don't deserve it, and the ones that do probably didn't expect it.
I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you to the ones that I have put up with me. Those that have text me just to say "hi". Thank you to the ones that cheered me up with unbelievable "in-jokes" and added fuel to the fire of my already burning imagination. Thank you to the ones that cared. The ones that laughed with me, and sometimes at me, because that helps too. Thank you for telling me your secrets, your insecurities; for helping me to realise that I'm not the only emotional wreck on the planet, or even the street. Thank you for dancing around the stockroom with me; for quoting movies with me; for screaming until we fall about laughing; for laughing until we cry. Thank you for being you.
These friends are - real friends are - golden.
comments are welcome 12月28日 What an excellent day for an exorcismWe are fastly approaching the New Year, for those of you who hadn't noticed. And if you are one of those who hadn't noticed, I am very worried and suggest you seek help because Where Have You Been For The Last Month?
For me, this new year is not really something to look forward to. Well not immediately anyway. My exams commence on the second Tuesday in January. They end on the second Wednesday in January. (for the mathematicians amongst you, yes, that does mean that I have 4 exams over 2 days.) This is a blow which is significantly softened by the fact that the beginning of the new year means that I will be able to fully appreciate my new Harry Potter Calender With A Picture Of Daniel Radcliffe In The Bath. Yes.
For many people, a new year marks a new beginning. It is apparently a time for deep thought and reflection and not just recovery from The Hangover From Hell. This "fresh start" tempts a fair proportion of people into making New Year's Resolutions
I quit believing in New Year's Resolutions around the time that my mother tearfully told me that people never change. I can't remember how old I was, or why she said it, but I never looked at people the same way again.
The fact that people need a particular time of year to decide to do the things that they know they should be doing anyway, just annoys me. I decide to do something, and I do it. Then and there. If I told myself that I was going to do something after the New Year, I know full well that I wouldn't. The immediacy and the sense of importance vannishes. If it can wait, it's obviously not that important.
The fact that this year I am a New Year's Resolution, alongside the likes of giving up smoking or going to the gym, says it all.
But, nevertheless, for all of you who intend on making said resolutions, good luck, and feel free to proove me wrong.
comments are welcome 12月20日 Please come home for ChristmasIt's coming on Christmas, and whilst the most of us won't have been cutting down trees, I am assured that someone somewhere has been, due to the copious amounts of foliage adorning pretty much every window.
As anyone with anything resembling a life will not know, it is the anniversary of my blog on Christmas day. Now, what that says to you I can't possibly conclude, but to me? To me it says that I'm not such a big fan of Christmas day.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't another entry that you've stumbled across whilst blog-hopping that moans about the cons of the festive season. I'm no Scrooge. I love Christmas...well the idea of it.
I love that I can spend ridiculous amounts of money on the people that I care about, and spend endless hours planning what I'm going to buy them, but then the looks on their faces when they open their gifts just top it all. I love that everyone is nice to everybody. Even the bus drivers. I love that you can use "It's Christmas," as an excuse for just about anything going.
The part that I don't love so much, and this is probably what makes me a bad person, is that I have to spend time with people that I don't know/like/care about. It's not that I would mind spending time with them at any other point in the year, but at Christmas I'd like to be with the people that mean something to me.
I don't know about everybody else, but my Christmas days usually consist of; opening presents, getting dressed up, cooking, old people arriving, entertaining said old people, cooking some more, eating, entertaining old people again, watching films with the afore mentioned old people whilst they interrupt incessantly to ask me how my love life is. Two words: Don't ask.
Honestly, if everybody's Christmas day even vaguely resembles mine, it's not difficult to see why suicide rates are so high. The one question that every person dreads, whether they be single/dating/married/divorced/insert relationship status here, is asked. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly. It's like listening to Mariah Carey on repeat all day long.
It's ok though, it's Christmas.
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